Fly On the Wall: Utah Jazz Locker Room

With the 76ers heading into Utah to take on the Jazz tonight, and Kyle Korver a new addition to the Jazz roster, evil genius Jerry Sloan has called his team in for an early meeting. The goal: To pick Korver's brain for keys to beating the Sixers. What follows is a transcript surreptitiously recorded by a digital recorder left behind by a disgruntled Croat.


Sloan: Guys, this is Kyle Korver, our newest weapon. Kyle, meet the guys.
KK: What up, fellas?
Sloan: Kyle, could you please remove the sunglasses and spit out the gum. We try to act like professionals in our meetings.
KK: No problem, Jerry.
(Carlos Boozer shakes his head and looks at the floor.)
Sloan: What did you just call me, son?
KK: Jerry?
Sloan: Guys, on the court. NOW!

(The team returns to the locker room, 30 minutes and 100 suicides later)

Sloan: Let's start over. Kyle here is going to give us some insight into Philadelphia's game plan. Pay attention. I'm looking at you Memet. Get your head out of your ass or you'll follow your countryman right out the door.
Okur: (under his breath) I'm from Turkey you anüs.
Sloan: Excuse me? I couldn't hear you Memo.
Okur: Nothing sir.
KK: I'm sorry sir, did you say game plan?
Sloan: Yes. Did you manage to sneak a playbook out with you?
KK: Playbook?
Sloan: Yes, you know. A bunch of pages with plays written on them bound together. A book full of plays.
KK: Wait, you guys actually use those? I thought that was a college thing. I have my Creighton play book.
Sloan: (shaking his head) Jesus, son. How did you guys know what plays to run?
KK: Plays?
Sloan: OK, let me try to make this a little bit easier for you, how did you know what to do on the floor?
KK: Well, up until about a year ago, I'd just stand out there on the floor and wait for Iverson to pass me the ball.
Sloan: And since then?
KK: Well, since we, err, I mean they, got Miller, I'd just run around and try not to get hit in the face with a pass.
Sloan: And the rest of the team? What did they do?
KK: Well, it kinda depends on who was on the floor.
Sloan: Care to elaborate?
KK: Well, if Reggie Evans is on the floor, then the other four guys basically play keep away from him. It sucks to be out there with him, it's like playing 4 on 6. Same thing with Rodney Carney.
Sloan: Hold on son. Those guys both start. You're telling me the offensive philosophy Maurice Cheeks is following involves keeping the ball away from two starters at all times?
KK: Heck no. He runs plays for them. You didn't ask what Cheeks told us to do, you asked us what we did out there.
Sloan: Son, I'm not following you here. Are you telling me there was systematic insubordination in Philadelphia?
KK: I don't really know what insomboredomenation is, but we'd basically just pretend to try to get the ball to them, then swing the ball to the other side of the floor.
Sloan: God, I have to get a job coaching in the East. OK, let's take another angle. What type of defense gave you guys the most trouble.
KK: Have you ever heard of the triangle and two defense.
Sloan: Of course.
KK: Well, they sorta played that defense, but the reverse. They just wouldn't guard Carney or Evans, their men would double the guys who could actually score once in a while.
Sloan: How the hell did you guys ever score?
KK: Oh, once those guys are out of the game, it was really easy to score. Miller and Iguodala can fit a pass in anywhere, and they just take turns taking over the game. When they get tired, Lou Williams comes in and lights it up. The key was to only be down by 10 or so points by the time Evans and Carney sat down. 10 points is nothing for the rest of the team. Of course, then they'd dig another hole for us at the beginning of the third, but Mo almost never plays them in the fourth, so sometimes we could pull it out in the end.
Sloan: So you're saying the best thing we can do is make sure Evans and Carney don't get into foul trouble?
KK: Well, yeah. That and start me. I mean, Carney will be "guarding" me, so I'll be wide open, like taking candy from a baby. Just play me when Carney is in there and this one's a lock!
Sloan: Kid, you've got a lot to learn. We're done here.
KK: Awesome, hey what's the nightlife like in Salt Lake City? Any strip clubs near the arena?
AK47: кретин.

The Sixers face the Jazz and their old friend Kyle tonight. They're looking to go 3-1 on their current 6-game left-coast swing. For Jazz coverage, check out The Salt Lake Tribune. (Jesus, I couldn't find one active, independent Jazz blog. That's just sad). Tip-off is 9:00 p.m.