What's Not To Hate?

Yes, there's a football game this weekend. Yes, I'm going to watch, no matter how much I'd love not to. And yes, I do have something to root for, which ranks this year's Super Bowl head and shoulders above all but 5 Super Bowls in my lifetime. (The 2 the Eagles lost, and the 3 the Giants played in). This year, I'm rooting whole-heartedly against Peyton Manning, and by association, the Indianapolis Colts.

I could care less about the Bears to be honest with you. Rex Grossman is a disgrace as an NFL quarterback. He's like Brett Favre on his worst prescription pain-killer bender without the arm strength and mobility. Thomas Jones is a below average NFL back. Tank Johnson should be behind bars. Devin Hester, on the other hand, is definitely worth watching. He's like Rocket Ishmael...before he dodged the draft and played in the Canadian Football League. That's where the positive feelings about this game end for me.

If I had my druthers, Peyton would keep playing like he has in the playoffs for his entire career, like he's scared. And you know what, I bet he will. The only difference between this year and the past 6 is that Peyton's team has bailed him out. Here's a stat for you, Grossman's passer rating is higher than Manning's this postseason. That's a fact. Yet all you hear on talk radio and SportsCenter is how Manning has finally made it over the hump. Well, he's got one giant hump to go, and I'm praying he never gets over that one.

If you're anything like my friends and family, you're probably asking yourself "Why do you hate Peyton Manning so much?" Well, I've got a list, and it's growing by the minute:

1. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. His father is a certifiable, over-protective jackass, as evidenced by his mouthing off to the press in defense of his weak sons. And, most notably, his insistence that his baby boy Eli not play in San Diego.
2. How many commercials can one doofus do? I know you're not supposed to blame a guy for earning a paycheck, but come on. Manning is a bigger ad whore than Gilbert Gottfried (and that's really saying something), not to mention the fact that he's got another significant source of income.
3. What kind of a team leader calls his kicker a "jerk?"
4. He always finds a way to blame his teammates when he loses.
5. He has no shoulders.
6. I hate prodigies, especially when they don't live up to the billing.
7. Whenever I play the Colts in Madden I have to sit around and watch digital-Peyton audible at the line of scrimmage for 20 seconds before he finally snaps the ball and gets buried by Jevon Kearse.
8. There needs to be certainties in sports. The Buffalo Bills of the early 90's are a perfect example of the way these things are supposed to work. There needs to be a team that is great, but just can't get it done. The Atlanta Braves are an example of what happens when one of these truths is shattered. They didn't deserve to win either of those World Series, the story of the past 15 years in baseball should've been how the Braves never got over the hump. Wouldn't the world be a better place if the Red Sox streak was alive and kicking at 89 years? Shouldn't Roger Clemens have never come to the Bronx and piggy-backed his way to a couple of rings? At least we've still got Barry Bonds, and hopefully Peyton Manning.
9. I seriously might be driven to a violent act if I see a Sports Illustrated commercial using a "Colts Championship Season DVD" as a sales gimmick for an over-priced subscription.
10. If the Colts win this game, using the same formula they did in their first three games, Manning is basically going to have nothing to do with it, yet he's going to get all of the credit. This. Must. Not. Happen.

So let's go Bears, by default.