Depressed Fan

vs.

DepressedFan.com has gotten it’s hands on an advanced copy of the upcoming conversation between embattled slugger Jason Giambi, and steroid inquisitor George Mitchell. What you are about to read is highly emotional, damning testimony from the only active Major League Baseball player to acquiesce to an interview with Mitchell. MLB has paid roughly $30 million to get to the bottom of steroids in baseball, this interview is what they have to show for it.

Mitchell: Please state your name for the record.
Giambi: Uhh, Jason?
Mitchell: Full name.
Giambi: Dude, I’m the Giambino. You know who I am.
Mitchell: Mr. Giambi, I would appreciate it if you would take these proceedings seriously, I certainly do. (Giambi stares blankly at the wall, ignoring Mitchell)
Mitchell: (to the Union Rep) Is he ignoring me?
Union Rep: (pulls 100–page document titled “Conditions of Interview” from his briefcase) It clearly states on page 50 of the agreement that, and I quote: “Mr. Mitchell will refer to Mr. Giambi as ‘The Giambino’ for the duration of the interview.” end quote.
Mitchell: Are you kidding me?
Union Rep: Moving along…
Mitchell: Fine. Giambino, when did you start using performance enhancing drugs?
Giambi: Does weed count?
Mitchell: No, it most certainly does not.
Giambi: Bummer.
Mitchell: Mr. Giambi, I don’t think you fully grasp the severity of this matter, nor the importance of these proceedings.
Giambi: Sorry, there’s no Mr. Giambi here, dude.
Mitchell: OK, Giambino, when did you begin using steroids?
Giambi: Don’t remember.
Mitchell: Did you use steroids as a member of the New York Yankees?
Giambi: You said member. (Giambi high-fives his union rep)
Mitchell: Did you ever see Barry Bonds using performance enhancing drugs?
Union Rep: That’s out of line Mitchell! The Giambino is not here to name names. (Giambi puts his hand on the union rep’s shoulder)
Giambi: It’s OK man, I’ll answer that one. (to Mitchell) Does weed count? (another high-five)
Mitchell: (Turns off tape recorder) OK, listen guys, I don’t want to be here anymore than you do, but Selig’s got a stick up his ass about this steroid scandal, and he’s paying me a boatload of money to dig up some dirt, so you can you throw me a friggin’ bone?
Giambi: Sure bro, what do you need?
Mitchell: I just need you to use the words used and steroids in the same sentence, on tape.
(Giambi and the Union Rep huddle up, giggle, then turn their attention back to Mitchell.)
Union Rep: I think we can accommodate you, Mr. Mitchell. Turn the tape back on.
Mitchell: Thanks guys, (turns the tape back on). Giambino, do you have any knowledge of steroid use in baseball.
Giambi: The Giambino would like to apologize to all his fans out there for any player who has used steroids in the past. The Giambino did some stuff that he isn’t proud of, and he’d like to make amends.
Mitchell: (stops tape) That was perfect. Bud is going to flip when he hears this, he’ll think it blows the lid off the whole scandal. Thanks Giambino, you saved my ass.
Giambi: You got it bro.
Union Rep: It was a pleasure George, do you validate parking?
Mitchell: Before you guys go, can I ask one more thing? My secretary is a huge fan of yours Giambino, do you think you could give her an autograph?
Giambi: No problem, dude.